NINE SCREWDRIVERS

I’m supposed to be at a Waukesha County Park and Planning Commission meeting, but I have a nasty sore throat (a gift from The Man Who Has Been Carrying His Own Personal Kleenex Box For Days) and decided not to infest the other Commissioners.

After ingesting Zicam and enteric-coated aspirin from my vast supply of pharmaceuticals, I felt up to continuing my kitchen dismantling. What I still needed was a small, spill-resistant surface in the sunroom on which to put coffee makers (my personal fav is my expresso maker) and other electric small appliances. Though I intend to eat as many meals out as My Man’s Wallet Will Allow Without Major Discussion, I know I won’t want to drive to Starbucks for coffee EVERY day. I went to Ace for some sheet of plastic to cover the wood-topped cart that The Man With The Tool Infested Workshop made for me. Immediately inside the door of Ace I spied a small bookshelf being marketed to kids going off to college. It was laminated fake wood. And it was cheap - as in $29. It came unassembled, but otherwise it was perfect. On my way to the cash register, there was a tiny microwave, also for $29. I bought it too, trying not to think about the 9-year-old Chinese children who probably assembled the thing while being paid 17 cents an hour. And also hoping that it actually has wires in it connected to the right stuff so it doesn’t burn down the house that I’m remodeling. (Actually it’s not ME that’s doing the remodeling, just in case I left you with that mistaken impression. It is Cabinet Werks, my neighbor Mike Whalen’s business. And for that free advertising, he’s throwing in the dishwasher. Actually not. But what a fine idea, Mike!)

Anyway, back to the shelf thing from Ace. I needed to put my appliances on the thing, but The Man With The Tools was at work. I figured I could do it myself – doncha think? I unpacked all the pieces, keeping them in nifty little piles, and looked at the instructions, which consisted of a picture. No words. Now I am a words kind of person. But the picture had arrows and stuff, so I figured it might be possible, even for the Tool-Impaired. After putting one shelf on these pole thingys that are the legs, and finding the correct screw thingys to attach them, I decided it required a pointy-top screwdriver. But that screwdriver just spun around in the hexagonal hole of the screw thingy. Not big enough, I thought. Got a bigger pointy screwdriver. Still didn’t turn. Hmmm.... Maybe this kind of hole used a straight-ended screwdriver. Got one of those. Too big. Didn’t fit in hole. Decided this was to be my LAST trip to The Man’s Workshop That Could Pass For Milwaukee Tool Company, so I brought up lots of screwdrivers. Nine of them, to be exact. And none of them worked. That’s when The Engineer Who Forgot His Lunch walked in. “Oh,” he said, “You need a Phillip wrench.” Or maybe it was Andrew. Or Simon. Anyway, some male-named wrench. And he pointed to this little bent piece of metal that was among the parts that came from China. Ah, ha! It was actually hexagonal on the ends and worked swell, even if it could have had a longer handle, if you ask me. And it could have been shown on the picture that substituted for directions. The Man took his lunch and left. I proceeded to build my shelf unit, with only a tiny bit of foul language following the smashing of a sensitive part of my female anatomy between a shelf and a leg pole. I bet you wouldn’t believe that is possible, but I am not making that up.

Too bad my four and a half year old grandson went home after a brief visit last week. In the first place, I miss him desperately, and besides that, he knows WAY more about tools than I. He can name every piece of construction equipment made, here or in China. It’s gender. I can tell you the Latin name of most plants grown around here, and my daughters at age four could rattle off breeds of horses like jockeys. But I’m not sure that today they would know the difference between a bulldozer and a front-end-loader. If there is a difference. I have no idea.

Anyway, I'll try to insert a photo of my shelf. I’m pretty proud of it. And now it’s time for more aspirin.

Next week I’ll be
Kitchenless in Brookfield